October

     October is many things; the start of fall, Halloween, Starbucks brings back the PSL...October is also the one month out of the year society recognizes pregnancy and infant loss.  Woman all over, (myself included), change their profile picture on Facebook to the pink/blue ribbon, we release balloons and butterflies to remember our children and symbolize them soaring to heaven, we wear our bracelets and pins, and we feel a little more comfortable sharing our story. 
     It is not that we honor, remember or miss our children less the other 11 months out of the year; its just that in October, well, people don't look at us like we are crazy if they happen to catch us crying.  Truth is we cry more often that you might think.  It has been 3 years since I lost my fourth and yes, I still cry.  I still grieve and I still pray for the reasons I will never be given. 
    I choose to live my "new normal" by being a voice that shows pregnancy and infant loss isn't a one month a year cause.  It's not a soap box, I do not want sympathy.  Unless you have walked this path you cannot understand, this does not mean you cannot be compassionate.  Everyone knows a mother of loss or knows of a mother who has had and lost.  Some mothers do not want to be reminded and yet there are others who feel like they are the only ones that still remember. 
     I have met many amazing, strong, and beautiful women while finding my way through all of this and after 5 years I finally feel my journey has a greater purpose.  I am passionate about educating and speaking to women about pregnancy loss.  I strive to help them see that all their emotions, fears, and hatred are normal and ok.  I want nothing more than for them to know they are not alone. 
     On October 15 I will send off balloons, light my candles and take a minute to talk to my children.  If you will be doing the same know you are not alone and if you know someone who may be doing the same, tell them you love them.
    

Joy

I have not been as faithful with this blog as I had intended.  Partially, because with a new baby and an almost 7 year old it is just hard to sit down and take the time but also because i use this as a window into what I'm feeling and thinking and sometimes those are hard to share.  The point of wanting to share is still as it has always been; to open a door into pregnancy loss, to open hearts and eyes to the misconceptions and to help those who have gone through or who are going through it know that their continued thoughts, fears and emotions are normal. 

On Friday April 13, 2012 Logan Edward Anderson was born, ( I tear up just typing those words), he is 3 month old now and I am just now realizing he is mine and he isn't going to be taken away.  Everyday of his pregnancy was emotional; I would wonder if "that day" was the day we would loose him, how would we tell our family, how would we tell our daughter.  Once the day of his birth came I was at peace and once the doctor held him up for me he was real!!! I have never cried harder or with such joy than I did at that moment. Jeff thought I would hyperventilate and I'm sure the nurses thought I was insane, this happens everyday right? Babies are brought into this world without a second thought, not our baby.  He took so much in every sense. 

With Hannah's birth I never gave loosing her a thought, I took every minute of my pregnancy and her first year for granted like it was owed to  me.  With Logan the appreciation for everything was elevated.  I honestly loved having morning sickness, that meant I was still pregnant.  Hannah will say that I love him more and I know that part of it is natural jealousy by and older sibling, but I also know that I am doing things a lot different with him and she may sense that?  I know that at that time I did not appreciate her like I appreciate him but I also hadn't gone through 4 losses before her either.  I appreciate God giving her to me more than I ever did! Seeing her with her little brother and finally feeling like there is a sense of completeness to our family. 

I will never say that "it was worth it" and honestly I hate when other people do.  Loosing 4 possible babies before him was horrific.  I will never discredit that time or down play those lost just because now I have what I have wanted so badly for so long.  They opened my eyes and my heart to realize what an amazing gift from God my children I have are.

Logan is pure JOY.  He has revived my heart that was so saddened.  Hannah showed me what it was to be a mother, how to love another human being more than you love yourself and Logan showed me how to appreciate it that love.

It had to be a God thing.

Over the weekend I had an amazing experience that I just had to share. 

I am very pregnant at this point; 8 months, I waddle, I walk slower and I have a huge belly...All good things, all things I never thought I would have again.  I have noticed that there is more attention paid to my pregnancy when I have Hannah, our 6 year old with us.  Strangers ask her about being a big sister, if "her" baby is a boy or girl, what the baby's name is and so on, she shyly smiles and answers them.  On Saturday she and I were at a fabric store selecting swatches for a friend to make her some "big sister" shirts to wear to the baby showers.  The woman measuring and cutting her choices began asking her the typical questions, then she asked Hannah why mommy waited so long to give her a baby brother...Hannah shrugged her shoulders and asked for her Ipod.  I on the other hand must have had an expression on my face that I couldn't hide.

The woman leaned over the counter and put her hand on mine, she then slowly told me she had lost 3 pregnancies between her two children.  She went on to explain that her daughter had just lost a baby at 11 weeks and was not willing to talk to her about it, she thought her moms losses were so long ago that she couldn't understand what she was feeling.  I was a little in shock that this conversation was happening, I just listened for a while and then began to tell her about a support group that I belong to, about this blog and some others I follow.  She was so grateful and I was too. This conversation was a total God moment, he put me at that store with that woman.  It was a full circle moment for me because up to this point I have been needing the support.  At some point in the future I may be able to find peace with what I have gone through, hopefully it is by reaching out and listening to others stories and being able to support them in their time of need. 

Misconceptions

It's human nature to make judgements on other lives, we do it everyday.  We assume we know what people are going through, and we decide how they should handle the situations they are in. I will admit I'm guilty of it.  The saying "walk a mile in someone else's shoes" holds so much meaning.  What would we do in someone else's situation?  I wouldn't want anyone to "walk a mile" in our shoes over the last 3 years. 

 As I sit here at 530 in the morning, not being able to sleep, I can feel our baby moving around inside.  I am so in love with him already.  He has a name, clothes, a bedding set and dozens of family and friends awaiting his arrival in April. 

The love and anticipation is amazing and exciting, yet it does not take away the anxiety and apprehension. With every pregnancy "milestone" hit there has been some sense of relief, but then there is another "milestone" to make it to.  I'm sure some people think "why not just be grateful for this pregnancy"? "why dwell on the past"? Grateful doesn't begin to describe how I feel about this baby, but the biggest misconception out there is that this pregnancy takes away the other four; that the happiness for Logan's arrival makes all the unanswered questions go away.  No matter the circumstances, one child gained cannot make up for one child lost. There will always been questions of "what if". 

I have a dear friend who says she will never again question long periods of time in between people's children.  You just never know what people have been through during those years between their kids. It could have been by choice like the time between my brother Michael and I, or it could be by unfortunate circumstance.  I am sure people questioned my grandmother about why my mom was an only child, not knowing that my mom was not an only child, but that my grandmother had a still-born years before. 

It's not about stopping human nature; we will always make judgements.  The goal, I guess is to be mindful of the judgements we make and the misconceptions they lead to. We never know what is or has taken place in someones life.

Unanswered Questions, Hope and A Possible Happy Ending

This post covers the last year of our journey; the steps we have taken and are still taking make it seem like longer but when God's plan kicks in there is no stopping it. 

After our fourth loss I decided "we" were done.  There wasn't much discussion that I can remember, it was just me making my mind up that I was done putting myself and Jeff through the roller coaster of emotions.  I had family members and friends trying to talk me out of giving up but I had felt that I reached my breaking point and one more lost baby would take me to a dark place that I "knew" I couldn't ever come back from.  Looking back on that now, I was scared for Hannah.  I wasn't sure how my emotional ups and downs were affecting her even though she never knew about three of the four losses.  I had to suck it up and face the reality that she would be an only child and I would never again be pregnant.  Without telling anyone else I considered permanent forms of birth control just so I wouldn't ever have to take the chance of getting pregnant again.  Now, I thank God everyday I forced that idea out of my head.

We lost our fourth pregnancy in October of 2010, I remember being in the middle of the miscarriage and taking Hannah trick or treating with a big fake smile on my face and insane determination to make her Halloween fun! 

I don't remember how it happened, I only remember Jeff wanting to make sure that there was nothing really wrong with, causing my misscariges that could possibly harm me in the long run.  That conversation turned into me calling and making an appointment with my doctor in April of 2011.  The appointment went in a direction I never thought it would; I walked out with a referral to a fertility specialist in L.A.  Why did I need to see a fertility specialist?  I have no problem getting pregnant...I tease Jeff that he can pass me in the hallway and knock me up.  It's staying pregnant that was my body's malfunction.

We met with Dr. B in early June; I was extremely apprehensive after my horrible experience with a local specialist.  I didn't want to be handed a ton of ideas and possible problems without testing and research to back them up.  When Dr. B walked into our appointment the first thing he did was take my hands in his and extend his "deepest sympathy" for what we had been though.  I was amazed, this man didn't know me, he sees hundreds of women every month, some who have stories that must make mine seem like nothing and he showed me the most caring any medical professional had in this entire time period. 

I went through several test, blood work, ultrasounds and nothing provided us with a medical reason for our losses.  How can you treat and move on from something that technically doesn't exist?  He made no promises; he laid out a plan for us in case we ever wanted to "TRY" again.  We decided to try. 

There were multiple weekly trips to LA, a lot of hormones and injections.  Tracking cycles and trying not to obsess over it.  On August 15, 2011 (our daughters 6th birthday) I took 3 pregnancy tests.  All came back positive.  I immediately went and had a blood test done, another positive.  I am currently 19 weeks pregnancy with a little boy.  We decided to wait to tell Hannah until I was at least 16 weeks, very few people knew for a very long time.  I didn't want to once again have to take it back. 

There is hope, Jeff has no doubt in his mind about this baby, I have my good and bad days with it.  I am afraid to "fall in love" completely with him or the idea, I know that sounds horrible.  Every time he moves I feel reassured, every ultrasound has shown a growing baby with a strong heart beat.  I am beginning to have more good, positive days than bad, worry filled ones.  I keep praying and taking this road day by day.

The Beginning

    Last year I started a blog about our story and never continued it.  I think fear took over my thoughts of "what would people think?" I'm at a place where, to be honest, I no longer care about what others think of me talking about and sharing what Jeff and I have gone through.  This blog is not intended to gain sympathy or to gain attention, it is to express in writing how our life; priorities, goals, and unfortunately a few relationships have changed due to our losses.  To some this topic is not one to talk about, but to get over and move on, then there is me, I want to talk about it and God willing have a happy end to my story or at the very least make another woman feel safe in sharing her story...Here is the beginning of Our Road.

   A bit of background.  Jeff and I began dating in late 2001, by early 2004 we were married.  I remember the day I knew he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and have a lot of babies with.  I had heard stories from his Aunt Pam about how amazing he had always been with kids, especially his younger cousin Rylie.  I saw first hand with a friend of mine's daughter.  Jeff was kind, calm, playfull and he had patience.  So a few months after our wedding we started trying for a baby and by November we were pregnant with Hannah.  August 15, 2005 our daughter was born, to this day she is best thing Jeff and I have ever done together, she is (as I say all the time) our world.   By no means is Hannah not enough for us, wanting another baby, in part, has always been for her as well.  Having a sibling is such an amazing blessing and Jeff and I want her to have that.  We never thought that want would lead us to where we are now.

   Late September of 2008, right about the time we were about to find out weather Jeff was accepted to the CHP academy, we found out that I was pregnant.  This was a huge shock to us...Apparently the rumor that antibiotics affect birth control pills was true...It took us a couple days to process and come to the reality that we were going to have another child.  We were so excited; I called the doctor, made that 8-10 week appt. and began telling everyone we knew, including Hannah who had just turned 3 . We had some trouble conceiving Hannah so the fact that we didn't even have to try for this one was amazing!!!  Right about this time my best friend was about 2 weeks away from her due date the thought of having babies 9 months apart was just awesome; it truly added to my excitement.  I sat in the waiting room while my best friend was having her miracle and was flooded with thoughts and memories of having Hannah and of a new baby.  The next week at my first appointment there was not a lot to be seen.  The doctor wanted some blood work to see if my timing was off and I wasn't as far along as I thought.  The results came back and next thing I knew I was scheduled for a D&C.  Thinking back now, it was all a blur until we had to tell Hannah that the baby in mommy's tummy wasn't there anymore, that God decided it wasn't time for that baby to grow in mommy.  I kept asking Jeff "How can she possibly understand this, how can a 3 year old rationalize it?"  He and I were able to "move-on" with thoughts of "the timing is all wrong right now".  Deep inside there is no rationale; it is only confusion masked with how everyone thinks you should react.  Over the next two years Jeff and I would loose 3 more babies, yes I call them babies.  Two had heart beats and those just about killed me.

   This is only the beginning of what I want to share and there have been so many wonderful people over the last 3 years that have gone through our story with us.  Take away from this what you will, if nothing else a sense of sensitivity to mother's and father's whom have had at all levels and have lost at all levels.