October

     October is many things; the start of fall, Halloween, Starbucks brings back the PSL...October is also the one month out of the year society recognizes pregnancy and infant loss.  Woman all over, (myself included), change their profile picture on Facebook to the pink/blue ribbon, we release balloons and butterflies to remember our children and symbolize them soaring to heaven, we wear our bracelets and pins, and we feel a little more comfortable sharing our story. 
     It is not that we honor, remember or miss our children less the other 11 months out of the year; its just that in October, well, people don't look at us like we are crazy if they happen to catch us crying.  Truth is we cry more often that you might think.  It has been 3 years since I lost my fourth and yes, I still cry.  I still grieve and I still pray for the reasons I will never be given. 
    I choose to live my "new normal" by being a voice that shows pregnancy and infant loss isn't a one month a year cause.  It's not a soap box, I do not want sympathy.  Unless you have walked this path you cannot understand, this does not mean you cannot be compassionate.  Everyone knows a mother of loss or knows of a mother who has had and lost.  Some mothers do not want to be reminded and yet there are others who feel like they are the only ones that still remember. 
     I have met many amazing, strong, and beautiful women while finding my way through all of this and after 5 years I finally feel my journey has a greater purpose.  I am passionate about educating and speaking to women about pregnancy loss.  I strive to help them see that all their emotions, fears, and hatred are normal and ok.  I want nothing more than for them to know they are not alone. 
     On October 15 I will send off balloons, light my candles and take a minute to talk to my children.  If you will be doing the same know you are not alone and if you know someone who may be doing the same, tell them you love them.