This post covers the last year of our journey; the steps we have taken and are still taking make it seem like longer but when God's plan kicks in there is no stopping it.
After our fourth loss I decided "we" were done. There wasn't much discussion that I can remember, it was just me making my mind up that I was done putting myself and Jeff through the roller coaster of emotions. I had family members and friends trying to talk me out of giving up but I had felt that I reached my breaking point and one more lost baby would take me to a dark place that I "knew" I couldn't ever come back from. Looking back on that now, I was scared for Hannah. I wasn't sure how my emotional ups and downs were affecting her even though she never knew about three of the four losses. I had to suck it up and face the reality that she would be an only child and I would never again be pregnant. Without telling anyone else I considered permanent forms of birth control just so I wouldn't ever have to take the chance of getting pregnant again. Now, I thank God everyday I forced that idea out of my head.
We lost our fourth pregnancy in October of 2010, I remember being in the middle of the miscarriage and taking Hannah trick or treating with a big fake smile on my face and insane determination to make her Halloween fun!
I don't remember how it happened, I only remember Jeff wanting to make sure that there was nothing really wrong with, causing my misscariges that could possibly harm me in the long run. That conversation turned into me calling and making an appointment with my doctor in April of 2011. The appointment went in a direction I never thought it would; I walked out with a referral to a fertility specialist in L.A. Why did I need to see a fertility specialist? I have no problem getting pregnant...I tease Jeff that he can pass me in the hallway and knock me up. It's staying pregnant that was my body's malfunction.
We met with Dr. B in early June; I was extremely apprehensive after my horrible experience with a local specialist. I didn't want to be handed a ton of ideas and possible problems without testing and research to back them up. When Dr. B walked into our appointment the first thing he did was take my hands in his and extend his "deepest sympathy" for what we had been though. I was amazed, this man didn't know me, he sees hundreds of women every month, some who have stories that must make mine seem like nothing and he showed me the most caring any medical professional had in this entire time period.
I went through several test, blood work, ultrasounds and nothing provided us with a medical reason for our losses. How can you treat and move on from something that technically doesn't exist? He made no promises; he laid out a plan for us in case we ever wanted to "TRY" again. We decided to try.
There were multiple weekly trips to LA, a lot of hormones and injections. Tracking cycles and trying not to obsess over it. On August 15, 2011 (our daughters 6th birthday) I took 3 pregnancy tests. All came back positive. I immediately went and had a blood test done, another positive. I am currently 19 weeks pregnancy with a little boy. We decided to wait to tell Hannah until I was at least 16 weeks, very few people knew for a very long time. I didn't want to once again have to take it back.
There is hope, Jeff has no doubt in his mind about this baby, I have my good and bad days with it. I am afraid to "fall in love" completely with him or the idea, I know that sounds horrible. Every time he moves I feel reassured, every ultrasound has shown a growing baby with a strong heart beat. I am beginning to have more good, positive days than bad, worry filled ones. I keep praying and taking this road day by day.
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