Joy

I have not been as faithful with this blog as I had intended.  Partially, because with a new baby and an almost 7 year old it is just hard to sit down and take the time but also because i use this as a window into what I'm feeling and thinking and sometimes those are hard to share.  The point of wanting to share is still as it has always been; to open a door into pregnancy loss, to open hearts and eyes to the misconceptions and to help those who have gone through or who are going through it know that their continued thoughts, fears and emotions are normal. 

On Friday April 13, 2012 Logan Edward Anderson was born, ( I tear up just typing those words), he is 3 month old now and I am just now realizing he is mine and he isn't going to be taken away.  Everyday of his pregnancy was emotional; I would wonder if "that day" was the day we would loose him, how would we tell our family, how would we tell our daughter.  Once the day of his birth came I was at peace and once the doctor held him up for me he was real!!! I have never cried harder or with such joy than I did at that moment. Jeff thought I would hyperventilate and I'm sure the nurses thought I was insane, this happens everyday right? Babies are brought into this world without a second thought, not our baby.  He took so much in every sense. 

With Hannah's birth I never gave loosing her a thought, I took every minute of my pregnancy and her first year for granted like it was owed to  me.  With Logan the appreciation for everything was elevated.  I honestly loved having morning sickness, that meant I was still pregnant.  Hannah will say that I love him more and I know that part of it is natural jealousy by and older sibling, but I also know that I am doing things a lot different with him and she may sense that?  I know that at that time I did not appreciate her like I appreciate him but I also hadn't gone through 4 losses before her either.  I appreciate God giving her to me more than I ever did! Seeing her with her little brother and finally feeling like there is a sense of completeness to our family. 

I will never say that "it was worth it" and honestly I hate when other people do.  Loosing 4 possible babies before him was horrific.  I will never discredit that time or down play those lost just because now I have what I have wanted so badly for so long.  They opened my eyes and my heart to realize what an amazing gift from God my children I have are.

Logan is pure JOY.  He has revived my heart that was so saddened.  Hannah showed me what it was to be a mother, how to love another human being more than you love yourself and Logan showed me how to appreciate it that love.

It had to be a God thing.

Over the weekend I had an amazing experience that I just had to share. 

I am very pregnant at this point; 8 months, I waddle, I walk slower and I have a huge belly...All good things, all things I never thought I would have again.  I have noticed that there is more attention paid to my pregnancy when I have Hannah, our 6 year old with us.  Strangers ask her about being a big sister, if "her" baby is a boy or girl, what the baby's name is and so on, she shyly smiles and answers them.  On Saturday she and I were at a fabric store selecting swatches for a friend to make her some "big sister" shirts to wear to the baby showers.  The woman measuring and cutting her choices began asking her the typical questions, then she asked Hannah why mommy waited so long to give her a baby brother...Hannah shrugged her shoulders and asked for her Ipod.  I on the other hand must have had an expression on my face that I couldn't hide.

The woman leaned over the counter and put her hand on mine, she then slowly told me she had lost 3 pregnancies between her two children.  She went on to explain that her daughter had just lost a baby at 11 weeks and was not willing to talk to her about it, she thought her moms losses were so long ago that she couldn't understand what she was feeling.  I was a little in shock that this conversation was happening, I just listened for a while and then began to tell her about a support group that I belong to, about this blog and some others I follow.  She was so grateful and I was too. This conversation was a total God moment, he put me at that store with that woman.  It was a full circle moment for me because up to this point I have been needing the support.  At some point in the future I may be able to find peace with what I have gone through, hopefully it is by reaching out and listening to others stories and being able to support them in their time of need. 

Misconceptions

It's human nature to make judgements on other lives, we do it everyday.  We assume we know what people are going through, and we decide how they should handle the situations they are in. I will admit I'm guilty of it.  The saying "walk a mile in someone else's shoes" holds so much meaning.  What would we do in someone else's situation?  I wouldn't want anyone to "walk a mile" in our shoes over the last 3 years. 

 As I sit here at 530 in the morning, not being able to sleep, I can feel our baby moving around inside.  I am so in love with him already.  He has a name, clothes, a bedding set and dozens of family and friends awaiting his arrival in April. 

The love and anticipation is amazing and exciting, yet it does not take away the anxiety and apprehension. With every pregnancy "milestone" hit there has been some sense of relief, but then there is another "milestone" to make it to.  I'm sure some people think "why not just be grateful for this pregnancy"? "why dwell on the past"? Grateful doesn't begin to describe how I feel about this baby, but the biggest misconception out there is that this pregnancy takes away the other four; that the happiness for Logan's arrival makes all the unanswered questions go away.  No matter the circumstances, one child gained cannot make up for one child lost. There will always been questions of "what if". 

I have a dear friend who says she will never again question long periods of time in between people's children.  You just never know what people have been through during those years between their kids. It could have been by choice like the time between my brother Michael and I, or it could be by unfortunate circumstance.  I am sure people questioned my grandmother about why my mom was an only child, not knowing that my mom was not an only child, but that my grandmother had a still-born years before. 

It's not about stopping human nature; we will always make judgements.  The goal, I guess is to be mindful of the judgements we make and the misconceptions they lead to. We never know what is or has taken place in someones life.