This post covers the last year of our journey; the steps we have taken and are still taking make it seem like longer but when God's plan kicks in there is no stopping it.
After our fourth loss I decided "we" were done. There wasn't much discussion that I can remember, it was just me making my mind up that I was done putting myself and Jeff through the roller coaster of emotions. I had family members and friends trying to talk me out of giving up but I had felt that I reached my breaking point and one more lost baby would take me to a dark place that I "knew" I couldn't ever come back from. Looking back on that now, I was scared for Hannah. I wasn't sure how my emotional ups and downs were affecting her even though she never knew about three of the four losses. I had to suck it up and face the reality that she would be an only child and I would never again be pregnant. Without telling anyone else I considered permanent forms of birth control just so I wouldn't ever have to take the chance of getting pregnant again. Now, I thank God everyday I forced that idea out of my head.
We lost our fourth pregnancy in October of 2010, I remember being in the middle of the miscarriage and taking Hannah trick or treating with a big fake smile on my face and insane determination to make her Halloween fun!
I don't remember how it happened, I only remember Jeff wanting to make sure that there was nothing really wrong with, causing my misscariges that could possibly harm me in the long run. That conversation turned into me calling and making an appointment with my doctor in April of 2011. The appointment went in a direction I never thought it would; I walked out with a referral to a fertility specialist in L.A. Why did I need to see a fertility specialist? I have no problem getting pregnant...I tease Jeff that he can pass me in the hallway and knock me up. It's staying pregnant that was my body's malfunction.
We met with Dr. B in early June; I was extremely apprehensive after my horrible experience with a local specialist. I didn't want to be handed a ton of ideas and possible problems without testing and research to back them up. When Dr. B walked into our appointment the first thing he did was take my hands in his and extend his "deepest sympathy" for what we had been though. I was amazed, this man didn't know me, he sees hundreds of women every month, some who have stories that must make mine seem like nothing and he showed me the most caring any medical professional had in this entire time period.
I went through several test, blood work, ultrasounds and nothing provided us with a medical reason for our losses. How can you treat and move on from something that technically doesn't exist? He made no promises; he laid out a plan for us in case we ever wanted to "TRY" again. We decided to try.
There were multiple weekly trips to LA, a lot of hormones and injections. Tracking cycles and trying not to obsess over it. On August 15, 2011 (our daughters 6th birthday) I took 3 pregnancy tests. All came back positive. I immediately went and had a blood test done, another positive. I am currently 19 weeks pregnancy with a little boy. We decided to wait to tell Hannah until I was at least 16 weeks, very few people knew for a very long time. I didn't want to once again have to take it back.
There is hope, Jeff has no doubt in his mind about this baby, I have my good and bad days with it. I am afraid to "fall in love" completely with him or the idea, I know that sounds horrible. Every time he moves I feel reassured, every ultrasound has shown a growing baby with a strong heart beat. I am beginning to have more good, positive days than bad, worry filled ones. I keep praying and taking this road day by day.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
The Beginning
Last year I started a blog about our story and never continued it. I think fear took over my thoughts of "what would people think?" I'm at a place where, to be honest, I no longer care about what others think of me talking about and sharing what Jeff and I have gone through. This blog is not intended to gain sympathy or to gain attention, it is to express in writing how our life; priorities, goals, and unfortunately a few relationships have changed due to our losses. To some this topic is not one to talk about, but to get over and move on, then there is me, I want to talk about it and God willing have a happy end to my story or at the very least make another woman feel safe in sharing her story...Here is the beginning of Our Road.
A bit of background. Jeff and I began dating in late 2001, by early 2004 we were married. I remember the day I knew he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and have a lot of babies with. I had heard stories from his Aunt Pam about how amazing he had always been with kids, especially his younger cousin Rylie. I saw first hand with a friend of mine's daughter. Jeff was kind, calm, playfull and he had patience. So a few months after our wedding we started trying for a baby and by November we were pregnant with Hannah. August 15, 2005 our daughter was born, to this day she is best thing Jeff and I have ever done together, she is (as I say all the time) our world. By no means is Hannah not enough for us, wanting another baby, in part, has always been for her as well. Having a sibling is such an amazing blessing and Jeff and I want her to have that. We never thought that want would lead us to where we are now.
Late September of 2008, right about the time we were about to find out weather Jeff was accepted to the CHP academy, we found out that I was pregnant. This was a huge shock to us...Apparently the rumor that antibiotics affect birth control pills was true...It took us a couple days to process and come to the reality that we were going to have another child. We were so excited; I called the doctor, made that 8-10 week appt. and began telling everyone we knew, including Hannah who had just turned 3 . We had some trouble conceiving Hannah so the fact that we didn't even have to try for this one was amazing!!! Right about this time my best friend was about 2 weeks away from her due date the thought of having babies 9 months apart was just awesome; it truly added to my excitement. I sat in the waiting room while my best friend was having her miracle and was flooded with thoughts and memories of having Hannah and of a new baby. The next week at my first appointment there was not a lot to be seen. The doctor wanted some blood work to see if my timing was off and I wasn't as far along as I thought. The results came back and next thing I knew I was scheduled for a D&C. Thinking back now, it was all a blur until we had to tell Hannah that the baby in mommy's tummy wasn't there anymore, that God decided it wasn't time for that baby to grow in mommy. I kept asking Jeff "How can she possibly understand this, how can a 3 year old rationalize it?" He and I were able to "move-on" with thoughts of "the timing is all wrong right now". Deep inside there is no rationale; it is only confusion masked with how everyone thinks you should react. Over the next two years Jeff and I would loose 3 more babies, yes I call them babies. Two had heart beats and those just about killed me.
This is only the beginning of what I want to share and there have been so many wonderful people over the last 3 years that have gone through our story with us. Take away from this what you will, if nothing else a sense of sensitivity to mother's and father's whom have had at all levels and have lost at all levels.
A bit of background. Jeff and I began dating in late 2001, by early 2004 we were married. I remember the day I knew he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and have a lot of babies with. I had heard stories from his Aunt Pam about how amazing he had always been with kids, especially his younger cousin Rylie. I saw first hand with a friend of mine's daughter. Jeff was kind, calm, playfull and he had patience. So a few months after our wedding we started trying for a baby and by November we were pregnant with Hannah. August 15, 2005 our daughter was born, to this day she is best thing Jeff and I have ever done together, she is (as I say all the time) our world. By no means is Hannah not enough for us, wanting another baby, in part, has always been for her as well. Having a sibling is such an amazing blessing and Jeff and I want her to have that. We never thought that want would lead us to where we are now.
Late September of 2008, right about the time we were about to find out weather Jeff was accepted to the CHP academy, we found out that I was pregnant. This was a huge shock to us...Apparently the rumor that antibiotics affect birth control pills was true...It took us a couple days to process and come to the reality that we were going to have another child. We were so excited; I called the doctor, made that 8-10 week appt. and began telling everyone we knew, including Hannah who had just turned 3 . We had some trouble conceiving Hannah so the fact that we didn't even have to try for this one was amazing!!! Right about this time my best friend was about 2 weeks away from her due date the thought of having babies 9 months apart was just awesome; it truly added to my excitement. I sat in the waiting room while my best friend was having her miracle and was flooded with thoughts and memories of having Hannah and of a new baby. The next week at my first appointment there was not a lot to be seen. The doctor wanted some blood work to see if my timing was off and I wasn't as far along as I thought. The results came back and next thing I knew I was scheduled for a D&C. Thinking back now, it was all a blur until we had to tell Hannah that the baby in mommy's tummy wasn't there anymore, that God decided it wasn't time for that baby to grow in mommy. I kept asking Jeff "How can she possibly understand this, how can a 3 year old rationalize it?" He and I were able to "move-on" with thoughts of "the timing is all wrong right now". Deep inside there is no rationale; it is only confusion masked with how everyone thinks you should react. Over the next two years Jeff and I would loose 3 more babies, yes I call them babies. Two had heart beats and those just about killed me.
This is only the beginning of what I want to share and there have been so many wonderful people over the last 3 years that have gone through our story with us. Take away from this what you will, if nothing else a sense of sensitivity to mother's and father's whom have had at all levels and have lost at all levels.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)