I have not been as faithful with this blog as I had intended. Partially, because with a new baby and an almost 7 year old it is just hard to sit down and take the time but also because i use this as a window into what I'm feeling and thinking and sometimes those are hard to share. The point of wanting to share is still as it has always been; to open a door into pregnancy loss, to open hearts and eyes to the misconceptions and to help those who have gone through or who are going through it know that their continued thoughts, fears and emotions are normal.
On Friday April 13, 2012 Logan Edward Anderson was born, ( I tear up just typing those words), he is 3 month old now and I am just now realizing he is mine and he isn't going to be taken away. Everyday of his pregnancy was emotional; I would wonder if "that day" was the day we would loose him, how would we tell our family, how would we tell our daughter. Once the day of his birth came I was at peace and once the doctor held him up for me he was real!!! I have never cried harder or with such joy than I did at that moment. Jeff thought I would hyperventilate and I'm sure the nurses thought I was insane, this happens everyday right? Babies are brought into this world without a second thought, not our baby. He took so much in every sense.
With Hannah's birth I never gave loosing her a thought, I took every minute of my pregnancy and her first year for granted like it was owed to me. With Logan the appreciation for everything was elevated. I honestly loved having morning sickness, that meant I was still pregnant. Hannah will say that I love him more and I know that part of it is natural jealousy by and older sibling, but I also know that I am doing things a lot different with him and she may sense that? I know that at that time I did not appreciate her like I appreciate him but I also hadn't gone through 4 losses before her either. I appreciate God giving her to me more than I ever did! Seeing her with her little brother and finally feeling like there is a sense of completeness to our family.
I will never say that "it was worth it" and honestly I hate when other people do. Loosing 4 possible babies before him was horrific. I will never discredit that time or down play those lost just because now I have what I have wanted so badly for so long. They opened my eyes and my heart to realize what an amazing gift from God my children I have are.
Logan is pure JOY. He has revived my heart that was so saddened. Hannah showed me what it was to be a mother, how to love another human being more than you love yourself and Logan showed me how to appreciate it that love.
