Last year I started a blog about our story and never continued it. I think fear took over my thoughts of "what would people think?" I'm at a place where, to be honest, I no longer care about what others think of me talking about and sharing what Jeff and I have gone through. This blog is not intended to gain sympathy or to gain attention, it is to express in writing how our life; priorities, goals, and unfortunately a few relationships have changed due to our losses. To some this topic is not one to talk about, but to get over and move on, then there is me, I want to talk about it and God willing have a happy end to my story or at the very least make another woman feel safe in sharing her story...Here is the beginning of Our Road.
A bit of background. Jeff and I began dating in late 2001, by early 2004 we were married. I remember the day I knew he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and have a lot of babies with. I had heard stories from his Aunt Pam about how amazing he had always been with kids, especially his younger cousin Rylie. I saw first hand with a friend of mine's daughter. Jeff was kind, calm, playfull and he had patience. So a few months after our wedding we started trying for a baby and by November we were pregnant with Hannah. August 15, 2005 our daughter was born, to this day she is best thing Jeff and I have ever done together, she is (as I say all the time) our world. By no means is Hannah not enough for us, wanting another baby, in part, has always been for her as well. Having a sibling is such an amazing blessing and Jeff and I want her to have that. We never thought that want would lead us to where we are now.
Late September of 2008, right about the time we were about to find out weather Jeff was accepted to the CHP academy, we found out that I was pregnant. This was a huge shock to us...Apparently the rumor that antibiotics affect birth control pills was true...It took us a couple days to process and come to the reality that we were going to have another child. We were so excited; I called the doctor, made that 8-10 week appt. and began telling everyone we knew, including Hannah who had just turned 3 . We had some trouble conceiving Hannah so the fact that we didn't even have to try for this one was amazing!!! Right about this time my best friend was about 2 weeks away from her due date the thought of having babies 9 months apart was just awesome; it truly added to my excitement. I sat in the waiting room while my best friend was having her miracle and was flooded with thoughts and memories of having Hannah and of a new baby. The next week at my first appointment there was not a lot to be seen. The doctor wanted some blood work to see if my timing was off and I wasn't as far along as I thought. The results came back and next thing I knew I was scheduled for a D&C. Thinking back now, it was all a blur until we had to tell Hannah that the baby in mommy's tummy wasn't there anymore, that God decided it wasn't time for that baby to grow in mommy. I kept asking Jeff "How can she possibly understand this, how can a 3 year old rationalize it?" He and I were able to "move-on" with thoughts of "the timing is all wrong right now". Deep inside there is no rationale; it is only confusion masked with how everyone thinks you should react. Over the next two years Jeff and I would loose 3 more babies, yes I call them babies. Two had heart beats and those just about killed me.
This is only the beginning of what I want to share and there have been so many wonderful people over the last 3 years that have gone through our story with us. Take away from this what you will, if nothing else a sense of sensitivity to mother's and father's whom have had at all levels and have lost at all levels.
